:: my authentic self ::

 
:: Sunshine in Fall Necklace, $38 :: 

For some time now, I have found myself pondering the direction in which I am travelling.

Ever do that?

Sort of a deep-sea, self-discovery journey, but done in a manner that requires no movement forward or backward - other than in thought - and all based on the ideals that I want to always be the best (and most fullfilled) person that I can be. To rephrase: I rarely feel I am "the best" at anything I do - although I do make a mean banana nut bread (: - but I want to operate at mode Full Potential.

What can I say...I am a woman who has imprinted in her very self that to be any less than in the act of growing is to be not quite what I really want to be.

And in being paired with a man who seems to always, always, be moving confidently in his own way towards all things...well, at times I feel a bit of a shadow cast. And it is always, always because that's my own silly head growing thoughts that aren't necessarily accurate.

So, this week I decided to think. Really, truly, clear my calendar and do exactly what I felt "moved" to do - and ponder these feelings of change-on-the-horizon.

And you know what I discovered?

I miss running every morning.

(I did that three days this week - and it was fab)

I can do a full hour of Vinyasa Yoga and feel back on top of the planet.

(because often I push my yoga mat to the side for matters of all other things in life)

My garden stinks this year.

(My tomatoes are under siege by something with a 3-inch jaw line that just adores nearly-ripe tomatoes on the vine)

And, finally - and probably most importantly - I am going thru a growing stage.

(with me as a person, as a momma, as a partner to Joshy, as a household-organizer, and definitely as the creative soul behind my jewelry business.)

And finally, I admitted to myself this week (and maybe it was the excruciating Warrior's Pose with Denise Austin on the tube reminding me to show her "my smiling face" while I wanted to cry from stretching my body to forgotten levels) that I miss my old line of work. IE: Being a Journalist...a writer, a reporter, an editor.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to - according to the cover of my elementary, jr. high and high school diaries - be a writer.

So, I graduated high school with the wonderful influence of my newspaper-adviser Marcia "Momma" Blair's words ringing in my ears that I Could Do Anything Because I Was a Great Writer.

And, I put myself thru college.

I worked really hard.

Not to mention I schlepped multitudes of baskets of bread sticks at Olive Garden ... all in the name of getting my degree.

And I did, and I used it for a handful of years, and I loved every minute of that work.

And I miss it.

I really, truly do.

And I don't know what that means, except that I know myself, and if I feel so inclined, I usually move towards satisfying whatever 'thirst' I have...and that isn't a bad thing...but it certainly is a changing thing.

And then, today, after Joshy left for end of the week meetings and with kiddos at school, I began to clean up around the casa. And I found a book I haven't read since I began this journey of full-time jewelry making. And after reading the following excerpt, I was reminded why I adore other creative minds in the world, and even though we are all very different and we all travel very different paths, we really are the same, deep down. And I wanted to share...because maybe you too are feeling a change on the horizon of your life....

From Christine Mason Millers Ordinary Sparkling Moments:

"Becoming a grown up happened in the midst of tremendous upheaval, but it was during this time of rebirth that I discovered my strongest self and highest priorities. It was a journey of overwhelming responsibility alongside wild freedom, about opening up room in my heart for all the expansiveness and joy I want to create in my life. It was - and continues to be - about hope and joy and anger and devastation, and discovering those indestructible parts of myself that have survived it all...I began this journey by losing my way entirely, and from there, slowly but surely, I made my way back home, back to my Most Authentic Self."

Happy Friday to you - and Happy Holiday Weekend (:

Comments

[Ann Megee]

I hope you enjoyed your weekend! It sounds like you have alot on your mind. You do an awesome job on your jewelry. You are a terrific momma to all three on the little ones under your wing. Anytime you want to chat just give me a call or text me. Life isn't easy but I believe you are a wonderful person. :), Ann